"X" Rated Jokes
If you are not 21 years of age, please stop reading and go play in the road.
Alan's Joke -
Little Red Riding Hood was getting dressed when her mom asked her "what are you doing?" "I'm getting ready to go see Grandmother" says Little Red. "Little Red, Little Red" said her mom, "You know what's going to happen. The Big Bad Wolf is just going to catch you, pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck you till your little red shoes pop off." Little Red says, "Not this time". So, she takes off on her way to Grandmothers. On the way she runs into the 3 Little Pigs. They ask her where she is going. Little Red replies, "I'm going to Grandmother's House." "Little Red, Little Red" says the 3 Little Pigs, "you know what's going to happen. The Big Bad Wolf is just going to catch you, pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck you till your little red shoes pop off." Little Red says, "Not this time". So Little Red continues on to Grandmother's house. Finally she gets to Grandmother's and goes inside. In the bedroom she sees Grandmother and says "Hi Grandmother!!" The Big Bad Wolf jumps out of bed and says "Little Red, Little Red, you know what's going to happen. I'm going to pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck you till your little red shoes pop off." Little Red pulls out a 357 Magnum and said "Not this time Big Bad Wolf. You're going to eat me like the story says."
Alan's Joke -
A new man in town walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a beer. Several of the men around him constantly brag about what they are good at. One guy is the strongest in the county; one man is the best mechanic in town; and so on. After a couple of hours of bragging they ask the new guy what he is good at. The man says "I can smell any kind of wood and tell what kind of wood it is and where the wood is from". The other men are skeptical and ask the man to prove it. He agrees so long as the men will buy him drinks all night if he is right and if he is wrong he will buy the house a round. The men agree, so they blind-fold the newcomer. One local runs out of the bar and gets a piece of wood off the shed out back. He puts it under the newcomer's nose. The newcomer sniffs once and says "this is so easy. It is a piece of pine from the local county and was probably on a barn or shed". The men sigh and agree that, that was too easy of a test. The newcomer starts bragging how good he is at identifying woods. Even woods that have been painted or varnished. The local men get together and decide to test the newcomer again for a weeks' worth of drinks for the newcomer or a round each night for a week for the locals. The newcomer agrees, so the locals blind-fold the newcomer. One of the men gets a backgammon board and puts it under the newcomer's nose. He takes 5 deep breaths and announces "you guys are trying to trick me. This is two pieces of wood. Maple and Cherry from New England. And it is probably some kind of game board like checkers, chess or backgammon". The locals can't believe it. Not only does he guess the wood again, but he is starting to really drink a lot of shots. They figure that by the end of the week, with all the drinks the newcomer is having, they will owe a lot of money to the bar. So, the locals get together after a couple of hours of hard drinking by the newcomer and come up with a possible way to beat him. They approach the newcomer, who is pretty drunk, and ask if he is willing to try once more for a month's worth of drinks or a round each day of the month for the locals. The newcomer agrees. The locals blind-fold the newcomer and tell him they have to take him into the back room to the wood. Before they take him in, they get one of the bar girls to go to the back, take off her dress and panties, and lay on her back on a table with her legs spread. The locals take the newcomer into the back room and have him bend over and smell between the girl's legs. The newcomer takes several whiffs and announces "I know this wood. The name is right on the end of my tongue". He takes another couple of whiffs and says "I know this wood, but I just can't place it. Would you please turn it over and let me smell the other side?" The locals snicker and agree. They turn the girl over and put the newcomer's nose down near the girl's but. He takes one whiff and announces "Hah, I know what wood this is." The locals can't believe it and all say "WHAT?" The newcomer says "this is obvious. It's a shit house door on a tuna boat."
Alan's Joke -
A man walks into a bar, sits down next to a beautiful woman and orders a drink. He pulls a frog out of his pocket and puts it on the bar. The woman next to him asks him "What are you doing with the frog?" The man answers "I am training this frog." The woman asks him "what tricks does the frog know?" The man demonstrates many tricks. The frog sits, stands, holds up 1 arm, then other. The frog jumps forward, backward and sideways. The frog also does backward and forward flips. The woman is very impressed. She asks the man "What is the frog's best trick." The man smiles and whispers in the woman's ear, "the frog eats pussy." She really smiles, but is skeptical, so asks the man to show this trick. They go into a hotel. The woman takes off all her clothes, lays down on the bed and spreads her legs. The man puts the frog between the ladies legs and says "Eat that pussy." The frog looks at the man, then looks at the woman and then puts its head down. The man again says to the frog "Eat that pussy." The frog looks at the man, then looks at the woman and then puts its head down. The man finally says to the frog "Do I have to show you 1 more time?"
Alan's Joke -
A new man in town, who is gay, goes into the local bar. There are several men playing fart football. The gay man watches to the men play and finally asks if he can play. The men agree so long as the loser buys drinks for everyone in the bar. The men explain the game. 1 fart equals 6 points. Extra little farts immediately after the 1st fart equal 1 point each. The gay man says "Great, let's play." After several hours the game is down to 1 huge man and the gay man. They are equal on points and agree to 1 more round of farts, but with their pants down. The gay man goes first and lets out 3 farts for 8 points. The huge man smiles and says "This is going to be easy." He bends over, farts 2 times and is ready for several more farts, when the gay man jumps up, sticks his dick in the huge man's ass and yells "Block that punt, block that punt."
Alan's Joke -
A beautiful and shapely woman walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I have never had a drink before in my life and I have never been in a bar before, what drink would you recommend?" The bartender thinks for a moment and says "I would recommend a Rum and Coke." After the woman says she would like one, the bartender gives the lady a Rum and Coke. After the woman finishes the drink, she looks around, then puts her head down and goes to sleep. After an hour of trying to wake up the woman, the men in the bar decide to have a little fun with her. They take her into a back room, take off all her blouse and bra. The men spend an hour playing with her breasts. Finally, they put her bra and blouse back on and put her back on the stool at the bar. After a little while the woman wakes up, looks around, gets up and walks out of the bar. A week later the same woman walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "I had a Rum and Coke last time I was here, but I would like you to recommend a different drink." The bartender thinks for a moment and says "I would recommend a Tequila Shooter." After the woman says she would like one, the bartender gives the lady a Tequila Shooter. The woman finishes the drink, she looks around, then puts her head down and goes to sleep. After an hour of trying to wake up the woman, the men in the bar decide to have a little more fun with her. They take her into a back room, take off all her clothes. The men spend an hour having sex with her. Finally, they put her clothes back on and put her back on the stool at the bar. After a little while the woman wakes up, looks around, gets up and walks out of the bar. Another week goes by and the woman walks into the bar. The bartender says to the lady "Would you like a Rum and Coke or a Tequila Shooter?" The woman says "No way. The Run and Coke and it made my breasts hurt and the Tequila Shooter made my pussy hurt."