G Rated Jokes

This page is suitable for most ages. Sorry for so few jokes, obviously Alan has a dirty mind!

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."


The Aging Explorer
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"


A cop pulls over a guy.
The office says "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"


Hattie Waagen
Four Worms - A Sunday Sermon!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
"The first worm in alcohol - Dead"
"The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead"
"Third worm in chocolate - Dead"
"Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive"
So the Minister asked the congregation "What can you learn from this demonstration? "
Maxine was sitting in the back and she quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


Sandy Hayes
Corporate Definitions
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOM - (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
SQUIRT THE BIRD - To transmit a signal to a satellite.
STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
GOING POSTAL - Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
CHIPS & SALSA - Chips? Hardware, salsa? Software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD JOB - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The OJ trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)
VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CLM - (Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located." Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.


Hattie Waagen
Read to the end... One Story! Two Different Versions! Two different Morals!
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

-------------------------------------------
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so ?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being green.'
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2012


Pat Moran
The Two Cow
Since the world situation is making us all think about how governments, religions and business effect us, this simplified explanation might help us under stand better.
THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES...
A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.


I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I don't get lemon in my water, lest I catch an infectious disease
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
Eating most foods sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I now have to wear glasses when I bar-b-que for fear of my contacts melts onto my eyes.
I no longer take my children where they have ball pit play areas for fear of venomous snakes and heroin-filled hypodermic needles.
I can't touch a woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer use an optical mouse due to fear of hand cancer.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have money because I tried to help a prince in Africa get his money out of the country.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutated freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer eat baby carrots because they are made from chlorine-soaked deformed larger carrots
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
My house now stinks because I no longer use plug-in room fresheners for fear of burning down my house.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer touch plastic since John Hopkins warned me that plastic causes cancer.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al-Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Famous Amos since I now have their recipe.
I no longer have a cell phone because I forgot to register on the "Do Not Call List"
I am now less pretty than before for fear of using lipstick with lead.
I now have a huge pile of hotel card keys for fear of unscrupulous people gaining access to my person information.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I no longer use an ATM machine since entering my PIN backwards to notify police, when I was being robbed, didn't work.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I no longer drive because every time a policeman attempted to pull me over I kept trying to call *677 to verify that they were real policemen.
I no longer use mulch for fear of getting Formosan Termites from New Orleans mulch.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and mutant squirrels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician¹s sister’s mom.
Have a wonderful day.... Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking your hand off now, it's too late.


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes "green green" and I "pink" it up, and say, ' Yellow ', this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.


Mary Henderson
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ____YOU! (Don't get offended religious nuts)
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.


You may be a Taliban if....
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.


Hillbilly Mirror
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of those stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy!'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home remembered that his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn. Every morning, before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of those many trips to the barn. One day, after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So, THAT'S the ugly bitch he's been runnin' around with!'


An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss your ass goodbye!
Have A Nice Day And Be Careful With Your Donkey


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!' 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.


Cliff
Husband and wife are shopping in Wal Mart when the man picks up a case of Budweiser and puts them into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?'asks his wife.
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he says,
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says. The man replies...'so does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the damm price!!!'


Hattie
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


Cliff
Bubba attends a revival and the preacher asks if there is anyone that needs prayer.
Bubba gets in line, and when it's his turn the preacher asks: “Bubba, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Bubba replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.”
The preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Bubba's head and prays and prays.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks: ‘Bubba how is your hearing now?'
Bubba says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday'


Cliff
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
Women usually somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, birthdays, secret fears and hopes and dreams
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget every mistake he's ever made. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


Hattie
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
'Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.'


Hattie
At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far.
These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.
They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.
As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!
Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.
On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire? ________


The Tennessee Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into Knoxville.
For the first offense, they give you two University of Tennessee football tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q. What do the Tennessee Vols and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 100,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!".
Q. How do you keep a Tennessee Vol out of your yard?
A. Put up goal post.
Q. Where do you go in Knoxville in case of a tornado?
A. To Neyland Stadium--they never get a touchdown there!
Q. What do you call a Tennessee Vol with a SEC championship ring?
A. A thief.
Q. What's the difference between the Tennessee Vols and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Tennessee Vols does it take to win an SEC Championship?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!
Q. What do the UT VOLS and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!


Hattie Waagen
And then the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....


Cliff Harmon
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold ?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!'
Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!


Submitted by Jim & Jerrine Bogan -

DORMITORY = DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN = BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER = MOON STARER
DESPERATION = A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES = THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH = HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE = HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES = CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY = IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS = LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS = ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT = IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES = THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO = TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW = WOMAN HITLER


Submitted by Cliff Harmon -

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


Submitted by Cliff Harmon -

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2006
Un ranchero vende una carretera de maderapara $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?


Submitted by Cliff Harmon -

REDNECK FISH STORY
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin’ a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“Naw, sir”, replied the redneck. “I ain’t got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?”
“Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ‘em swim ‘round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ‘em home.”
“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that.”
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, “It’s the truth Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works.”
“O. K.”, said the warden. “I’ve got to see this!”
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, “Well?”
“Well, what?”, says the redneck.
The warden says, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH”, replied the warden!
“What fish?”, replied the redneck.
Moral of the story:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees!


Submitted by Whitney Dickey -

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.


Submitted by Cliff Harmon -

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." She put on a pair of dark glasses, walked over to the bar and started to walk in.The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!"


Submitted by Cliff Harmon -

The Purina Diet
I used to have a Labrador retriever & was waiting in the check-out line at Wal-Mart to buy a large bag of Purina. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete. So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
The tall guy staggered out of the store, oxygen-depleted from laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.


Found on www - Alan Henderson

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. -- -- He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. -- He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


Unknown Author - Submitted by Cliff Harmon - Red Neck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."


Unknown Author - Submitted by Cliff Harmon

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.


Unknown Author - from Hattie Waagen

Only in Wisconsin......
The town you grew up in had a bar called Ma's Place.
Your best shirt has a big letter G on it.
You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.
FFA was the most popular club in high school.
You've seen a Hodag, or, at least you think that's what it was.
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You know it's traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between ceremony and the reception.
You know that there is no 'r' in Wausau.
You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.
You can recognize someone from Illinois by their driving.
You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.
You are a connoisseur of cheese curds, and find anyone unfamiliar with them to be frighteningly foreign.
You get irritated at sports announcers that pronounce it "Wes-con-sin."
You own at least one cheese head.
You immediately think of fishing when you hear the name "Shakespeare."
You spent more on beer than you did on food at your wedding.
You know that Kaukauna is NOT a Hawaiian Island.
You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a county fair.
You know that "combine" is a noun.
You know that a pastie is not an article of clothing.
You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post.
You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
You can tell the difference between "real Wisconsin cheese" and "that Illinois stuff."
You know that creek rhymes with pick.
Your class took a field trip to a brewery in second grade.
Football schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.
You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, and Poland all in one afternoon.
A Friday night date is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning....phew!
You have driven your car on a lake.
You can make sense out of the words "upnort" and "batree."
The Packers will always be better than the Vikings, no matter what the standings.
You know that De Pere is not a wooden structure extending into "Da Lake."
You can leave your ice cream in the car while you go into Fleet Farm, and it won't melt.
You always believed that vacation meant "going up north."
You have more fishing poles than teeth.
At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance the hokey pokey & the chicken dance.
You know what a bubbler is.
Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
The local gas station sells live bait.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire east coast.
Your mom asks, "Were you born in a barn?" and you know exactly what she means.
You include beer as one of the major food groups.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
You are a member of the Polar Bear Club and proud of it.


Unknown Author - from Hattie Waagen

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!

 

Now here is the reply I sent to this "joke?"...

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. Only if we live the "legal" life. I tried to get Kathy to change our last names to BoHen or HenBo, but she wouldn't go for it!!!

The garage is all yours. Not in my world. Wedding plans take care of themselves. What??? I did most of the planning.

Chocolate is just another snack. But I have to be the procurer of the "snack". Including taking tours of Chocolate Festivals and Factories.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. But we still go through the pregnancy.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. So can you! You can wear NO shirt to a water park. So can you, in fact I wish you would!!

Car mechanics tell you the truth. Which garage do you go to?
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. So can you!

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosy. Same work, more pay. What I get paid at home??

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. But we have to pay for them with our "more pay".

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. Have you noticed the size of my breasts recently?
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. Have you heard Kathy lately?

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Have you tried to find a pair of size 14 narrow recently.

One mood all the time. What Grouchy???

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. By choice.

You know stuff about tanks. I haven't worked with a water tank in years.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. By choice.

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. By choice.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Not the ones I purchase.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Have you looked in my closet?

You almost never have strap problems in public. What about the "Indian Underwear"?

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. No, we see them, we just choose to ignore.

Everything on your face stays its original color. Have you tried shaving your face recently?

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. By choice.

You only have to shave your face and neck. What about my head?
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. What belly???

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. By choice.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. Again by choice.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. Taken at the airport.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Have you seen GC recently?
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

And last but not least, we're not sorry we can make decisions quickly.
No wonder men are happier! Have you heard about nagging? Now, if women would let us alone, that would be true.


Unknown Author - from Hattie Waagen

As seen in a dog's diary:                                                 
 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!                                       
 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!                                     
 9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!                                     
 Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!                                     
 2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!                                   
 3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!                                     
 4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!                                 
 6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!                             
 7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!                             
 8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!                                     
 9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!                      
 11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!                 
 

 As seen in a cat's diary:                                                 
 Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre  
 little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am     
 forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope  
 of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.    
 Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my       
 captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost       
 succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to      
 disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself    
 to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.            
 Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to   
 make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in     
 their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little   
 cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan... There was some sort of  
 gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the   
 event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More           
 important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of        
 inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my     
 advantage.                                                                
 I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The    
 dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is      
 obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an       
 informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my      
 every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety    
 is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...


Unknown Author - from internet

"Twas the night before Christmas" I thought with a frown,
I was stuck at the office. The network was down.
The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed.
Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.
Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun,
Had erased DLLs Windows need to run
On 84 desktops way down in accounting.
I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I saw that a server had something the matter.
There was smoke coming out from the main hard disk drive.
"No Problem," I thought. "I'm set up with RAID 5."
But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable
Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable!
"No problem," I thought, "I've tape backup to thank."
And then I discovered my backups were blank.
The UPS burped, and lights all went out.
I started to scream, I started to shout
But nobody heard as I vented my rage.
My gurus were all on vacation those days.
And nobody's tech support answered the phone.
I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone.
When out at reception, I heard a soft knock.
As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock...
"What's your problem?" he asked.
"Never mind, friend, I know.
I checked out your network five hours ago.
I did some proactive analysis, so
I knew this time bomb was going to blow."
Who was this guy? Who did he think he was?
He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves.
His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.
His smile cut down personal distance between us.
He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work.
"Whoever configured this network's a jerk,"
He said with a :-)> as he quickly rebooted,
Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted
The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied
With a bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide
That went via wireless, I think, LEO,
To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole.
"Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!"
He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed.
"Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic!
Technology often looks just like some magic
To people who don't understand what we do.
Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue!
Look at the protocols, check one or two,
Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through!"
My data was back! Every system checked out!
Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about.
"How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!"
He said, "Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick,
If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing,
And read all your issues of Network Computing."
And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing,
"Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!"


Unknown Author - Submitted by Bob Edwards

Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", you might live in Wisconsin.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett", you might in Wisconsin.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie & Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Wisconsin.
If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters",....you might live in Wisconsin.


Unknown Author - Submitted by Bob Edwards

You know you are a true Wisconsinite when:

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going up north past Highway 8 for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings and funerals).
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You refer to the Packers as "we".
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
You consider Minneapolis a faraway exotic land.
You know how to polka.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
Down South to you means Illinois.
A brat is something you eat.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
You go out to fish fry every Friday.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Wisconsin friends


Unknown Author - Submitted by Cliff Harmon

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called Labor!
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."


Unknown Author - Submitted by Bob Edwards - Alaska Humor

The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife." "Tell me! Did you find her?" the man asked. The troopers looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, a pale Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first." One trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound king crabs and a half-dozen good-sized Dungeness crabs on her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."


Unknown Author - Submitted by Cliff Harmon

OK, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more! Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metro sexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world! Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The Code :
A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "*****" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a fro-fro little puss, and in the long run, it ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good scar from a wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved
one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e.., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.
Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !


Unknown Author -

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The lady responds, "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" The lady says, "Get in line."


Author Unknown -

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Delivering pizza."


Author Unknown -

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"